Dear Mom on the Playground

For all my free-rangers out there!

This just had to be done, really. In answer to "Dear Mom on the iPhone"...I am not the neglectful mother you believe me to be. There is method to my madness. I allow my children to play without me because that is WHY I take them to the park: To play with OTHER KIDS. They will never learn all the nuances of socializing and making friends from me. They simply do not work that way. They NEED to learn from other children, in uninterrupted free play on a regular basis. They need to fight with each other and learn how to resolve their problems. They need to fall a little bit and learn how their bodies work with gravity. They need to climb up the slide and walk down the ladder because THEY figured that out all on their own and THAT IS AWESOME. No, judgmental moms who give me dirty looks for sitting on the bench while my children fight with yours over a toy; it isn't that I don't care. It's that I care so much that I am willing to put my own fears and worries aside to allow my child the privilege - the right - to grow, unencumbered.



Dear Mom on the Playground,

I see you over there on the play structure, messing with your child's hair and making sure his shoelace is double-knotted.  It feels good to be involved in your child's life every moment of every day, doesn’t it?  You feel like a great mom, so engaged, you work hard, you teach them the proper way to do things, you tell them what to say and when to say it.

But Momma, let me tell you what you don’t see right now…..

Your little girl is staring longingly at another little girl on the other side of the playground.  She is such a shy little thing, and yet...she wants to know...who is that over there?  She keeps glancing her way to see if she is watching her, too.  

She isn't. You are blocking her view. 

Your little boy keeps shouting, “Mom, MOM watch this!” as his face beams with pride because he's just discovered that he can climb UP the slide ALL BY HIMSELF - no small feat, for sure! I see you scold him, telling him that that is not the way we play on the slide.  The stairs are for climbing.

He sees that too.  His shoulders slump, but only for a moment, as he looks for something else to challenge him...something that HE can figure out all on his own...to make you proud, instead of worried.

Now you are pushing your baby in the swing.  She loves it!  Cooing and smiling with every push.  You don’t see her legs though, do you?  They are kicking and trying to wriggle free. Her head is bent, her eyes on the ground beneath her, as she wonders what it would feel like to crawl around down there.  

Take her out.  Let her explore her world, Mommy.  The grass, the leaves fallen off the trees. Cheer her on when she comes near you and enjoy that look of wonder and pride that leaves far too quickly.

Put your eyes back on what's really important…Your kids.

Show them that they are competent and trustworthy. Wherever you go, give them some freedom, some control over their lives, the chance for creativity and growth. I am not saying it’s not ok to check in with your kids, but it can stifle their growth: Helicopter Beware!

Play time at the park will be over before you know it.
The childhood of your children will be gone before you know it.

They won’t always have the chance to play with other kids, Mommy.  They won’t always observe others and try to learn how friends are made, they won’t always call out, "Look what I figured out!”

There will come a point when they stop trying to make friends, stop exploring, stop bothering to try new things and solve problems.  

Because they know…

You’ve shown them, all these moments, that submission, over-cautiousness, fear, and co-dependence is more important than their learning.  They see you looking at them at while dropping them off at school, during playtime, at the dinner table, at bedtime…..

I know that’s not true, Mommy.

I know your heart says differently. But your kids can’t hear your words, Mommy. Your propeller is spinning way too loudly.

101 Uses for Breastmilk!

Just kidding. Only one. BUT it's a good one. :)

In my quest to eventually cut out most pasteurized dairy from our diets, I often run into the problem of...well, my children. Namely, their undying love for ice cream. This seems to be most pronounced when they're sick. Now, I may give in to a lot of requests, but ice cream after a full day of vomiting is not one of them. So what's a girl to do?

OMG! Epiphany! Breastmilk ice cream!!! It's perfect. I can use natural ingredients that will actually be HELPFUL to them instead of feeding them a bunch of chemical CRAP. Genius. AND I can make it in one-serving portions while letting the kids do most of the work. :) Wow. It's like medicine in ice cream form. Somebody stop me.

I used mommy's milk, or course, in addition to some raw honey for sweetener and organic vanilla extract for flavor. You can use any kind of flavoring you want, obviously, and sweetener, too, for that matter. I used the honey because of it's added medicinal benefits for my poor sick babies. :)

Here's the scoop, so to speak:

Mommy's Milk Ice Cream

Ingredients:
4 oz. breastmilk
2-3 tsp. raw honey
1/4 tsp. organic vanilla extract

Other Stuff You Will Need:
Small snack-sized or sandwich-sized storage bag (I used the Lansinoh breastmilk storage bags - works perfectly, and I don't have to worry about accidental opening)
Gallon-sized freezer bag
Ice
Salt

Start with all your stuff. Mix the milk, sweetener, and flavoring in the small bag. If using honey, I recommend having the milk at room temp (or better yet, just pumped). This will ensure the honey dissolves. Tried it with cold milk - the honey separated into a frozen clump at the bottom of the bag :/ Mix thoroughly!

Add ice and salt to the gallon bag. How much? Doesn't really matter. I used a tray of about 16 ice cubes and maybe 1/4 cup of salt?

Then put the little bag into the big bag, like so...

Then...SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE...for about five minutes (this is the part the kids like to do)...

Take it out when it feels pretty solid...

See...like this...a solid clump of ice cream (well, ice milk, if you wanna get all technical on me)...

Wahnanaaaaa! Ice cream that makes you all better!

Just dig right in...

Oh yeah. Feelin' better already!

The Truth About Parenting.

Frequently, I look around at the chaos all around me and think to myself, "Why didn't anyone tell me this parenting thing would be so hard?" Parenting is difficult. I mean really, REALLY difficult. I had no idea how many different FEELINGS I would be forced to feel and deal with in a single day. I mean seriously, daily struggles with highs, lows, and in-betweens that I never knew existed. Even a single minute could be filled with love and hate almost simultaneously. WHY DON'T THEY TELL YOU THIS WHEN YOU SIGN UP FOR THE JOB?!?!?! Ok, some try, but no one succeeds in expressing just how INSANE the whole thing is. I guess that's just how it is when you are responsible for another human being. Am I doing the best thing? Am I doing the worst thing? Is this helping? Hurting? What could I do differently? What should I keep the same next time? Is this even making a difference? Should I bother? But what if I don't? Will that be helpful, or harmful...

it.never.ends.

Happiness - Kids playing.
Joy - Kids laughing.
Anger - Kid 1 hit Kid 2.
Fear - Kid 2 is hurt.
Irritation - Kid 2's screaming is getting on your nerves.
Frustration - neither Kid 1 nor Kid 2 will respond to you.
Relief - Kid 2 is no longer hurt.
Content - Kids are playing again.
Excitement - Kids are playing with you and having fun.
Pride - Kid 1 is helping Kid 2 with no interference from you.
Sadness - Kid 3 just woke up and will not be consoled.
...

Ok. 5 minutes down.1435 to go...

To parents-to-be, someday-parents, and brand new parents, hear this now. This is the most exhausting, energizing, challenging, rewarding, exhilarating, frightening, enlightening, horrible, wonderful, stupid, intelligent, back-breaking, heart-wrenching, mind-boggling, hand-wringing, life-altering, death-defying, soul-searching, physical, intellectual, spiritual adventure you could ever - make that, never - imagine. Do it. You will not be sorry...except on days that you are. And even then, you'll get over it.

To all current parents: Keep fighting the good fight, brothers and sisters. One day, your kids will become parents. They will ask you what it is like to be a parent. Don't tell them. They won't believe you anyway.

Why I don't make my kids say...anything!

Hey, folks! I'm back. Admit it. You missed me. :)

So here's the thing. I REALLY don't want to be one of those moms who doesn't want anyone else to discipline her child...but I am. I mean, if everyone approached discipline the way I do, it would be a different story; however, they don't. And since I'm pretty particular about it, it bothers me to see other adults talking in a demeaning way to my kids. Mamma Bear breaks loose. There's blood. It's not pretty.

The sad thing is that most of these parents do not realize that the way they are talking to my children is something that I (and they) would term "demeaning." So there's the problem. How do you say, "Hey, stop treating my kid the same way you treat your kid because I think it's disrespectful and mean," without implying that the way they raise their own kids is disrespectful and mean? Well, you can't. So when this happens, I admit. I freeze. You've heard of "flight or fight"? Well, there's another "f" - freeze. That's what I do. Yep, I'd be dinner in the jungle, for sure. But I really am at a loss at times. Torn between not wanting to make enemies of the other parents in the playgroup or at the park, etc., and not wanting my kids to be treated like crap...I know, it shouldn't even be a question, right? Wrong. Either way, someone is getting hurt. But here's where I differ from most...

I HATE... I mean I really, really HATE the idea of telling kids to say...ANYTHING. "Say sorry", "say please", "say thank you", "say hello", "say bye-bye"..."what do we say?" Makes me cringe. Here's why. First of all, children don't take orders well. It's just not our nature. It's not how we learn best. We learn best by imitation. We learn LEAST through direct orders and "teaching." Telling a child to "say thank you" is far less effective than simply saying "thank you" yourself whenever you are thankful for something. That way, the phrase does not just become a mash of empty words. It has meaning. Children WILL begin to say "thank you", "please", and "I'm sorry", when they reach a developmental stage of being able to be truly thankful, pleased, or sorry for something. Is a child truly sorry if forced to say it? Probably not. That is called LYING. I will not teach my children to lie. It does NOT teach them to be polite, courteous people. It teaches them that (a) empty words fix things, (b) it is ok to lie if it gets you out of trouble or pleases someone else, and (c) these adults do not respect you because they are forcing you to say something you do not want to say. Want your kids to be polite? Be polite to them. Ask them to do things, rather than telling them. Say "please", "thank you", and "excuse me"...and mean it. It's not difficult. Stop over-thinking it. You have better things to do, I'm sure.

So no, you will never hear me tell my child to apologize for hitting, stealing from, yelling at, kicking, or stabbing your child. Get over that. If my child is truly sorry for his/her actions, he/she will show it. If not, well, guess what - "sorry" won't make your kid's knee stop hurting or put his toy back together again, nor will it make my child remorseful. Believe it or not, it is completely NORMAL for a child of 1, 2, 3, 4...even 5 or 6 years old to NOT feel remorse over every little wrong doing. Hell, most adults aren't "sorry" about half the things they do "wrong", for that matter. So if my three-year-old gets mad at your kid for telling him that he can't play with her, and he hauls off and hits her in the face in anger and doesn't feel sorry about it...that's normal. But, in many parents' minds I guess that makes my kid an asshole.

Sorry. :/

Intelligence.

I used to be intelligent.
I once knew the meaning of large words
Which now escape me.
There was a time when I could enter
A conversation on politics and history
And understand the connection
Between the two.
When I was much younger
I had a firm grasp
On physics and math
And things of that sort.
I knew grammar terms and usage
And I laughed at those who didn't.
Now, I am mom.
I know when someone uses incorrect grammar
But I can't tell you why
Or what part of speech they used.
I know where I stand, politically
Sort of
But I really couldn't tell you why
In any convincing manner.
I don't remember how many presidents we have had.
I don't remember the capital of South Dakota.
Mathematical symbols have escaped me.
And spell-check has become my crutch.
But for all I've forgotten,
I've learned a great deal in "mom."
I've learned what HCG is
And that you must have at least 25 ug/ml in your urine
Before you see those two blue lines.
I know the difference between a cramp and a contraction.
I can talk to my body and my baby
And control the intensity of my own labor
With complete confidence, control, and calmness.
I have learned the difference
Between a hungry cry and a peepee cry.
I know that kisses cure owies
If you get just the right spot.
And I know where that spot is.
I know that "My yove yoo" means "I love you,"
And that "Go away" means "Thanks, but I've got this."
I know how to communicate with my children without words.
I realize that this is sometimes better.
I've learned that I'm wrong.
A lot.
I've learned not to laugh at people who don't have all the answers;
Those who don't know how to spell
Or that it's "there" not "their"
Or that people "run quickly", they don't "run fast,"
Because although they might have lost these facts
They may have knowledge that is far beyond my comprehension.
They have feelings.
They deserve respect.
I forget this a lot.
But I've learned to remember.
Perhaps I can't talk about politics.
Perhaps I can't relate to "The 99%" or "The 1%"
Or even know why they do what they do.
Maybe I say the wrong word now and then
Or just sit in senseless silence
Because vocabulary has momentarily died in my brain.
But I'm still ok.
I have new facts.
I have new knowledge that transcends facts.
I used to be intelligent.
And despite outward appearances,
I still am.

All You Need is Love (dun da da da da)...

I just want to say that WHOEVER is reading this blog is my FAVORITE person on Earth. I think you are the absolute BEST parent, BEST son or daughter, and overall BEST person who ever existed. I am but dirt at your feet, unworthy of your greatness, and I scourge myself 3 times a day simply because I FAIL at being YOU. Thank you SO much for reading my lowly blog and bestowing your time and attention, however fleeting, upon me and my humble existence, O Great One. You can do or say no wrong, and I bow to your greatness.






















Argue with THAT, motherfuckers.

The Process of De-Parent-Ing

Yeah, so I totally made that word up. It's the only way I can describe what I see as a necessary process in raising our culture's kids. In an era of convenience and efficiency, children have become, according to most in our culture, a "difficulty." Wander through a bookstore and you will see dozens of titles related to methods of either controlling or fixing our children. Coupled with a misconstrued interpretation of religious values in a largely Christian culture, we seem to have the idea that children somehow start off damaged in some way, and nearly every parenting choice we make is some kind of effort to solve the problem of children. From birth, we are told to "encourage" our children to develop properly - tummy time, classical music, baby Einstein; black and white contrasting circles and stripes for newborns to stimulate their senses, bright, primary colors for infants and toddlers, tactile stimulation...only use certain words, foods, and activities to mimic their developmental stages...as if by NOT doing these things our children will fail to develop and remain perpetual infants! We are told how to teach them to roll over, crawl, walk, talk, read, write, and count to 10 - and we are offered a number of educational toys to help us do so. We are (unintentionally?) brainwashed to think that kids need us to make them develop normally. We are told that Mother Nature has no idea what she is doing, and that we must take over, for the good of our children.

This...is...bullshit.

There are a number of things that children will do, all on their own. With absolutely no prompting from us, children will:

1. Grow
2. Develop
3. Learn
4. Play
5. Eat
6. Sleep
7. Heal
8. Reproduce (eventually)
9. Empathize
10. Love

I promise.


We are a society that values individuality, efficiency, and competition. I'm not saying that these are bad qualities - but unchecked and unbalanced, they simply do not allow for children. We are a society focused on "getting things done" - getting to the end product - with, all-too-often, complete disregard for the method we use for doing so, when, in fact, this method is every bit as important as the final result. We have lost the value of leisure, pleasure, and even simple existence itself. We push our children aside and say, "Here, let me do that for you," instead of saying things like, "Please help me do this." The problem is NOT that our children want to help us wash the dishes, even though we are apparently (for some unknown reason other than the importance of washing dishes) in a terrible hurry; the problem is that we place too much value in breakable dishes.

When my child has a tantrum, it is not my job to put an end to it. He will not tantrum forever. He WILL (as long as I don't interfere with the process) learn to regulate his emotions through social learning and the natural development of brain cells. It is my job to see him through it. It is my job to find out why he is upset (because there is ALWAYS a reason) and it is my job to either help him accept the problem, help him find a solution to the problem, or just let him be upset about the problem for as long as he needs to. It is NOT my job, as a parent, to try and distract him, pacify him, discipline him, train him, or otherwise shut him up for the sake of not disturbing other people (who probably could do with a little more patience and self-regulation themselves) or in order to produce "well-behaved" children (which is something that has become a bragging right - a way to showcase your little pets to all your family and friends and say, "Look what a good parent I am - I've trained me a kid!").

Of course, our culture does not value intangibles. Not really. We spout Romantic ideals of love, happiness, and other equally bohemian scapegoats, but our actions speak much louder than words. We only value honesty because it keeps crime rates down and boosts public morale, which ups production. We value self-esteem because confident workers are hard workers. We value love and happiness - but only if we can squeeze them in while earning a good living so as not to depend on anyone besides ourselves for food and shelter. All children have physical needs and non-physical needs. The physical needs are things like food, shelter, clothing; the non-physical needs are things such as parental attachment, bonding, socialization, trust, love, emotional reciprocity, and security. We have become such a materialistic society that we place the highest value on the physical needs of the child, and neglect everything else. Don't believe me? Which do most Americans think is worse: A parent who works hard 40+ hours a week to feed and clothe their children, but has to send them to daycare and/or school to do so; or a parent who stays home or works minimal hours so they can be with their children, but has to depend on government aid for food and housing? Most people would tell the second parent to get off their ass and go to work. How many would tell the first parent to stay home? Why? The working parent is filling their child's physical needs, but - due to the completely backwards nature of our culture which forces parents to work without their children present - they are often forced to leave the bulk of non-physical needs in the hands of others. The second parent is filling their child's non-physical needs, but leaving the physical needs to be filled by someone else. Our society tells us that one is better than the other, but this is FALSE. ANYONE can give a kid food and a place to stay. Anyone. So why is it that we hold up the working parents who "sacrifice everything" for their kids - who work hard to give them food and shelter, which anyone can theoretically provide, but who are either forced to or choose to allow others to handle education and social development? And why do we condemn "lazy" parents who choose to stay home with their children, even if it means they have to depend on other people to help provide something as trivial as food? If, for example, I pay taxes and do not send my kids to public school, am I not in the same position as someone whose taxes go to another's food stamps? Sure, maybe parent A cannot afford to feed his/her kids. Maybe he/she chooses to earn less income. Maybe the cost of childcare would be more than that parent could earn at a full-time job. What if parent B works full-time and sends his/her kids to public school. Isn't parent B using government money to partially "raise" their kids just as much as parent A? One uses public funds to provide food, while the other uses them to provide education. I don't see people ranting about that - not that they should. Apparently most people in this country think that education is so important that it needs to be provided for by the government...but food doesn't? Is feeding a child less important than educating one? Now, don't get me wrong. I am NOT saying that we should take away public schooling. And I am not - repeat NNNNOOOOTTTT saying anything negative about working parents who send their kids to daycare and/or public school. What I AM saying is that people who send their kids to glass elementary schools shouldn't throw stones at the starving kids down the street. I am a big fan of the village it take to raise a kid, but when most of the people in that village are not interested in raising children, that becomes a problem. The process of de-parenting has to occur on a national scale, because unfortunately, our society, as it stands, is NOT kid-friendly, and whether we like it or not, kids will rule the world someday.